Friday, May 25, 2012
A personal quit update..
....Well, confession, really. This is a really personal post for me. As I posted earlier, I slipped yesterday. I smoked a few cigarettes. Today was a new day... right? Well, for most of the day, it was, and I was doing well. Then, I spoke with my husband, who told me he thought it'd be fine if I continued to smoke one or two a day for a while, and then stopped once I was in a new habit. I was pondering this, and actually bought myself more. I know, this was stupid, and I shouldn't have done it. It remained unopened for a few hours, and I was proud of myself. Then, nap time came around for my daughter. She really didn't have any interest in taking her nap. I was getting frustrated, and eventually, ended up yelling.. no.. it might have been closer to screaming at her. She started crying (and understandably so..) I hugged her and told her I was sorry that I yelled, and that I didn't ever want to yell at her like that again, and that mommy made a mistake. I got her calmed down, and, knowing she was tired, she finally fell asleep for her nap. (I don't know if I've posted about this, but my daughter takes a nap late in the day so that she can spend time with my husband before he leaves for work) I felt SO guilty. So overwhelmed by the fact that, in my withdrawal state, that I was unable to control my emotions around my child like that. If I was yelling at almost anyone else, it wouldn't have bothered me as much. Anyone else who might have better understood that I was just going through withdrawals, and that I didn't mean it. But I didn't. I yelled at her. I was able to bring myself back together and became the consoling mother again. I was definitely apologetic. I hate acting like that around her. I don't want to be that kind of mom. I posted before, about how I want to quit because I have an image of how I want to see myself as a wife and mother. Trust me when I say that yelling and screaming isn't in that image either. There will be a lot of posting about different things I want to do to fit the image I want myself to be. Back to the point, however... After she went down for her nap, I felt guilty, and, knowing that the way to control what happened, is to stop the withdrawal, so I smoked. Please don't think that I'm giving up. I felt almost as guilty for doing that, as I did for yelling at my daughter. I am not giving up. I will find a way around this. After coming back inside, I was watching television, and one of those more graphic anti-smoking ads came on television. You know, the one with the lady who gives her "tips on getting ready for the day", where she has to put teeth in, a wig on, and a hands free thing for the hold in her throat. At the end of that commercial the "1-800-quit-now" thing popped up, and I called. After talking to them, they helped me to establish some ways to cope with that angst-like feeling that I get that's associated with the nicotine withdrawal. They also said to taper for a few days, have one or two a day, and then quit for good again on Tuesday. If you want to quit, or if you're even considering it, I highly suggest that you call them. They are so helpful. They will stay on the phone with you for as long, or as short as you keep them there talking and asking questions. It is a national program, all states have this hotline. They help you to make a plan catered to your own needs and wants. They also offer support and advice. So, basically, I'm giving myself a couple of days, I am going to taper and cut way back in those few days, and then I'm going to start fresh, and use the tips that they offered me, and I will probably use them as a source and an outlet. Because I'm realizing that an outlet is basically what I need. (This blog may become a bit of an outlet for me also.) I will continue when I quit, to use the quit tea during my daughter's nap time and after bedtime. Only during times when I can afford to be drowsy, because it causes great drowsiness some of the time. (but it does help with cravings every time I drink it.) I think that I am also going to continue doing this cold turkey (unless you count the Quit Tea). I really do want to end up successful, and smoke free. I also want these posts to ultimately end up being inspirational to other smokers, so this is a big motivation (among other things obviously) for me. Please leave feedback, whether it's good or bad. I want to hear what you all think of my struggles with this.